Just Add Water

Friday, August 21, 2009

I've really been trying to figure out what I am doing and what I want out of photography, these past few weeks. Of course, I feel this sense of urgency all the time, like everything is passing me by (while I'm sitting at home taking care of my children). Every time I read about someone who has gotten their photography business off the ground, I get a pang inside, like "when is that going to happen for me?" Of course, we have basically just moved into our new house (new to us, anyway), and I am, after all, the mother of 22 month old twins (I'll ride that train for as long as I can). But I had a really good talk with my husband and a friend that helped me to identify some near-term goals that will keep me moving in the direction (of professional photography) and will keep me feeling like I am accomplishing something. Anything. 

View from the 12th floor

My daughter projectile vomited all of her food a few times in the past 24 hours. I became concerned and took her into the doctor today, who could find nothing wrong with her. At least I feel better.

I also went to my first "new mothers" group today (an hour late, but nonetheless...). I was the only one with twins (no surprise), and I think the oldest mother there. It will be interesting. More on that later.

Ugh

I managed to delete all of the photos off of my computer. These included many photos of friends, trips to hear and there, and pigs of my babies!

I found a program that will help me to recover deleted files, so I'm working on getting them back. Wish me luck.

There is no turning back now

The other night, I woke up on one of my many middle-of-the-night bathroom trips, and my mind immediately went into full spin.

What if I'm not a good mother? What if my children don't love me? What if I don't bond with them? How will this work? How am supposed to take care of two little babies? I don't have any experience with this. Will our marraige be okay, or will two children suck the life (and love) right out of our relationship? Will I cry all the time? Will I be exhausted all the time? Am I a failure because I'm having a c-section? Will breast-feeding work? Can I do that in front of people? When will I be able to do my stuff again? Will I loose all this weight? How do I add "mommy" to my self-identity?

I was able to go back to sleep, and in the morning, I didn't feel the panic that I had felt in the middle of the night. Perhaps these are questions that every new parent has, or maybe most parents sail into parenthood confident and/or unreflective. All that I know is that we are in the home stretch, and fast approaching the day when our family will suddenly go from two people to four. I have read books, I have talked to other parents, but nevertheless feel woefully unprepared for the adventure lying ahead.

We worked very hard to get to where we are now (with me pregnant and being four weeks away from delivery). But I feel like to a great extent, all of our focus (or at least, my focus) was on getting pregnant, as opposed to having children. Now that we are almost there, "having children" is racing to the forefront of my mind.

In the end, I think that things will be okay, that becomming a mommy happens over time, that we will bring our babies home and that I will cry sometimes, laugh sometimes, be astonished at our good fortune, amazed at these new human beings that will come into and forever change our lives, our sense of self.