I have issues. This is probably not surprising -- most people have issues. Here in America, we're an issue-laden place. Everyone has got them. The issue that I'd like to discuss today is my constant (sometimes subtle, sometimes not) frustration at my life and how it is not meeting my expectations.
Here's how my ugly little issue manifests: in jealousy. Envy at what others have accomplished, and frustration at what I have not managed to do. No, it's not the kind of envy that makes me wish that other people didn't have what they've got, but rather the kind of green-eyed monster that makes me frustrated and mad at myself when I see what others have accomplished, compare myself with them, and find myself lacking.
An example. I have a cool friend who lives in London with her family, and who, among other neat things, is persuing her MFA in creative writing. I have another friend who owns her own shoe store. I often find myself looking at all the wonderful women in my life and saying, "Why can't I do that?"
So, I started turning this little nugget of frustration over in my mind. A couple of things occured to me. One is that my life is pretty great, when I look at it from the outside. Great husband, two beautiful children, cute little house. And I did start my own business, making handbags. No, I'm not Kate Spade yet, but I did get a lot of positive feedback. The second thing that I realized is that the people that I know who are doing really cool things are getting out there and doing them. And this is huge, a huge realization. They are doing whatever it is they are doing, working at it day after day, and seeing results over time. Nothing is happening for them instantaneously. Third, I realize that disappointment is corrosive, and not something that I want to have as a constant in my life.
So, I guess the question for me now is, what do I do? How do I handle these feelings? Little steps forward. I nurture my family. I take care of myself. And as often as I'm able, I keep working on my business. I tell myself that this life, my life, is a good one. And I'm thankful.
and then the next day, got another few comments from women in my mom's group, about what a great job I was doing. That was followed by a woman that I don't even know (from my exercise class) telling me that I was doing an amazing job and should be easier on myself. And finally, I got an e-mail from one friend and a note from another, all telling me the same thing: You're doing fine. Relax. You will have time to do whatever again, and you're doing a lot right now. Your babies are big and healthy and happy. Chill out.
At some point, I realized that the universe was using friends, acquaintances, and even strangers as conduits to talk to me, and tell me that I should accept myself, know that I'm doing a good job, that things are fundamentally O.K.When the universe speaks, who am I to ignore it? So right now, I'm feeling all right. I'm doing a pretty good job. Thanks for noticing.