Just Add Water

Friday, August 21, 2009

I've really been trying to figure out what I am doing and what I want out of photography, these past few weeks. Of course, I feel this sense of urgency all the time, like everything is passing me by (while I'm sitting at home taking care of my children). Every time I read about someone who has gotten their photography business off the ground, I get a pang inside, like "when is that going to happen for me?" Of course, we have basically just moved into our new house (new to us, anyway), and I am, after all, the mother of 22 month old twins (I'll ride that train for as long as I can). But I had a really good talk with my husband and a friend that helped me to identify some near-term goals that will keep me moving in the direction (of professional photography) and will keep me feeling like I am accomplishing something. Anything. 

A new year, a new me (not really, but seriously, though)

What a difference a year makes. The babies are bigger. My husband has a different job. We live in a different state! And, in photography, I've found something that I truly love to do.

So what are my resolutions for this year? I have been going over this quite a bit. I know that I want to loose weight, but making a resolution like "lose 25 lbs" seems somehow destined to failure. I want to be more content and at peace, and yet just saying that's what I should do won't help me to accomplish that.

So, here's what I came up with for my resolutions.

1. Be kind to myself.
2. Eat five servings of vegetables and fruits a day.
3. Exercise 15 minutes a day.

These seem doable, and also seem guaranteed to make my life better. <a href="http://flickr.com/photos/friuduric/">Friuduric</a> wrote that she didn't stick to her resolutions because she didn't tell anyone what they were, and therefore she wasn't accountable for them. That made sense to me; I can't even remember what my resolutions were from last year. So, here they are, I'm putting them out there. Hold me accountable, people!

What works for me

So, I figured out that I'm never going to be the type of blogger that consistently comes up with pithy observations about my day to day life and then records them in witty style on a regular (or even semi-regular) basis. However, I have been making a valiant attempt to do a photo diary this year, which I have been keeping on Flickr. It's a thread in a group, though, and so I had an epiphany -- why not put my entries for my photo diary in my blog? Okay! So here goes...

Sometimes the universe speaks

Not to long after my last post, my husband told me that I was doing a great job, caring for our children, being a mom, hanging in there. In my head, I started my usual litany of denials to this complement, and it must have showed on my face, because he then asked me who would have to tell me this in order for me to believe it.

You see, I have this problem. I don't believe people when they compliment me. I don't believe that they are being honest, only that they are being nice. The reasons for this stem from my youth, and don't need to explored here, but suffice it to say that I rarely believe that I'm doing a good enough job, at anything.

I thought about what my husband said, and in that moment, I honestly didn't know who it would take to tell me that I was doing a good job in order for me to believe it. Then the moment passed, and I went on with my day, not really giving it any more thought.

That's when the universe started speaking to me. I got this comment from my friend texasgirl:

girl, every time I carry my bag with me anywhere people ask me about it. you'll get back to it in time. or you'll move on to other things. either way, you'll stay amazing to me. and you're doing a hell of a lot right now--as much as anyone I've ever known with two four-month old babies to care for. :)

it's enough, for now, okay? let it be enough.

and then the next day, got another few comments from women in my mom's group, about what a great job I was doing. That was followed by a woman that I don't even know (from my exercise class) telling me that I was doing an amazing job and should be easier on myself. And finally, I got an e-mail from one friend and a note from another, all telling me the same thing: You're doing fine. Relax. You will have time to do whatever again, and you're doing a lot right now. Your babies are big and healthy and happy. Chill out.

At some point, I realized that the universe was using friends, acquaintances, and even strangers as conduits to talk to me, and tell me that I should accept myself, know that I'm doing a good job, that things are fundamentally O.K.

When the universe speaks, who am I to ignore it? So right now, I'm feeling all right. I'm doing a pretty good job. Thanks for noticing.

 

Why the good things always happen to other people

I have issues. This is probably not surprising -- most people have issues. Here in America, we're an issue-laden place. Everyone has got them. The issue that I'd like to discuss today is my constant (sometimes subtle, sometimes not) frustration at my life and how it is not meeting my expectations.

Here's how my ugly little issue manifests: in jealousy. Envy at what others have accomplished, and frustration at what I have not managed to do. No, it's not the kind of envy that makes me wish that other people didn't have what they've got, but rather the kind of green-eyed monster that makes me frustrated and mad at myself when I see what others have accomplished, compare myself with them, and find myself lacking. An example. I have a cool friend who lives in London with her family, and who, among other neat things, is persuing her MFA in creative writing. I have another friend who owns her own shoe store. I often find myself looking at all the wonderful women in my life and saying, "Why can't I do that?"

So, I started turning this little nugget of frustration over in my mind. A couple of things occured to me. One is that my life is pretty great, when I look at it from the outside. Great husband, two beautiful children, cute little house. And I did start my own business, making handbags. No, I'm not Kate Spade yet, but I did get a lot of positive feedback. The second thing that I realized is that the people that I know who are doing really cool things are getting out there and doing them. And this is huge, a huge realization. They are doing whatever it is they are doing, working at it day after day, and seeing results over time. Nothing is happening for them instantaneously. Third, I realize that disappointment is corrosive, and not something that I want to have as a constant in my life.

So, I guess the question for me now is, what do I do? How do I handle these feelings? Little steps forward. I nurture my family. I take care of myself. And as often as I'm able, I keep working on my business. I tell myself that this life, my life, is a good one. And I'm thankful.

Finding a creative spark

I've really been struggling with the loss of my sense of self in my new mommy routine, especially since Husband has gone back to work and I spend my days mostly without any adult interaction. Every mother knows what I am learning, which is that my days are completely full of the same few activities, repeated over and over again. Feed, burp, change diapers. Repeat.

I've been trying to find some thing that will allow me to express myself, be creative, interact with adults, and not get lost or go crazy in the circus [that has become my life]. This blog is one outlet, and I've found it's companion, which is to participate in a daily photo journal. (This serves more than one purpose -- can allow me to be creative as well as finally learn how to use my digital SLR and hopefully improve my photography.)

In a previous blog, I said that I wanted to participate in the 365 days group on flickr , but I've changed my mind on that (because I've realized that there is no way that I can take 365 self-portraits), and will be participating in the My 2008 Daily Photo Diary (because I can handle taking one picture everyday).

So here's my first entry. I haven't been accepted to the group yet, so I'm getting started on my own (actually started on Tuesday, but making it official today), with a self-portrait. That's my boy screaming in the Moby wrap, which he was none too fond of today. I'll be posting pictures here and on my flickr stream.

View from the 12th floor

My daughter projectile vomited all of her food a few times in the past 24 hours. I became concerned and took her into the doctor today, who could find nothing wrong with her. At least I feel better.

I also went to my first "new mothers" group today (an hour late, but nonetheless...). I was the only one with twins (no surprise), and I think the oldest mother there. It will be interesting. More on that later.

What a difference a week makes

Originally, I was going to write a post about the trials and tribulations of breast feeding as it pertains to being a new (read, insecure) parent. However, I waited so long to write this post that my problems really resolved themselves, which just goes to show that if you wait long enough and do nothing, nothing will need to be done.

The two minute recap of what happened: Last week, my babies didn't gain any weight from the previous week. Our pediatrician told us to add formula to the mix, since they were not getting enough calories from me. This led to me feeling like a (breast feeding) failure and bad mama. To add insult to injury, after the appointment, we stopped at a local drug store and a cashier asked me (after looking at our two week old babies) if I was expecting my third. Needless to say, there were TEARS.

Fast forward to this week. We went into the pediatrician visit with some trepidation today, but all was well and the babies had each gained about 12 oz (thanks to some changes in our feeding schedule and a minimal amount of supplemenary feeding with a bottle). In addition, while I know that I shouldn't take other people's comments personally, whether good OR bad (come on, if I could do that, I never would have gotten upset by the cashier in paragraph two), I felt terrific when a woman on the elevator told me how great I looked for having just had babies three weeks ago.

So, all is well on the farm, and thank goodness for that.